Formatting Interiors

 QUESTION:  I have a query about the correct way to convey internal thoughts and sounds.

According to the Chicago Manual of Style:  "11.47 Unspoken discourse: Thought, imagined dialogue, and other interior discourse may be enclosed in quotation marks or not, according to the context or the writer’s preference."

I gather whether quotation marks are used and which type varies from publishing house to publishing house. Is that correct?

The only times I’ve ever seen quotation marks used for interior dialogue in popular fiction is along the lines of -- 

“Brilliant move,” I said silently to myself.  

The standard method is to italicize the thought--  

The bell slipped out of my fingers and clanged loudly as it hit the floor.  I winced. Brilliant move, Byerly.

Some publishers, particularly of nonfiction, will state the stylebook they prefer, but most fiction publishers don’t.  In the case of no stylebook mentioned, use grammar correctly and be consistent.

In deep third POV, it’s quite common to have a fair amount of interior dialogue.

I ask myself whether the person is asking themselves a specific question or stating some fact to themselves. If they are asking a specific question, I put the question in italics; otherwise, I don’t.

I tend to avoid italicized internal dialogue because it breaks the reader’s rhythm, particularly if it’s done too much or too little.  Instead, I write so that I remain deep in POV.

For example, to remove the internal dialogue of my earlier example, I’d write: 

The bell slipped out of my fingers and clanged loudly as hit the floor.  I winced at my clumsiness.  

QUESTION CONTINUED:  I also have problems with the verb’s tense in internal discourse.  

She loosened her grip, so the rope slid through her hands and let her feet slide over the knot. Shit – rope burn. Her feet reached another knot. She clung to the rope, her body shaking, her palms sweating so hard they felt cold. This wasn’t working.

Should the last bit be This isn’t working?

ANSWER:  If  “This isn’t/wasn’t working” is deep POV, the sentence would use “wasn’t.”  If it’s internal dialogue, use “isn’t.”  

If you’re confused about the tense, pretend the internal dialogue is regular dialogue and speak it aloud to see if it sounds right. 

If it’s a thought, the tense remains the same as the rest of the narrative.

QUESTION CONTINUED:  If you’re trying to signify there is a sound made, does it go inside single or double quotes or can you use italics? 

ANSWER:  If the sound isn’t dialogue by a human or other living creature, it is italicized.

The cow said, “Moo,” and its bell went clank.  

Too Much or Not Enough Information

QUESTION:  Is it okay to leave the reader a little confused so that later on, when I reveal the secret to them, it’s surprising?  My main character withholds secrets from others and from the reader.   

It depends on what you mean by confuse.  If you are leaving out information so that what is happening makes very little sense or the main character is behaving in a bizarre manner with no real clue why she is, that’s a very bad thing.  If you give the reader more than a few “what the heck is happening, and why is she behaving like this?” moments, then the reader stops reading.  

If you mean not giving the reader all the information, that can work, but it is a tricky dance between giving the reader enough information and lying to the reader by withholding too much.  

With a major viewpoint character it works to leave out information if that character isn’t thinking about something. Readers don’t feel cheated if there’s really no reason for that character to be thinking about this subject, but, if this subject is up front and center in her thoughts, then the reader would feel cheated if important information is left out.

As a very broad example, imagine the heroine thinking during her first meeting with a guy who is attracted to her, but later, it is revealed she’s lesbian.  That’s leading the reader astray in a dishonest way.  If, however, she was married to a jerk who beat her, this information doesn’t have to be revealed until later unless there is a reason for her to fear the guy who is attracted to her.  

If it feels dishonest not to tell the reader something, then the surprise isn’t worth it because you may have lost the reader before the surprise is revealed, or the reader feels betrayed and lied to.

If you are confused about what to do, do it the way you feel works then trust your beta readers or critique partners to tell you if this works or not.

PERCEPTION and the Art of Creating Characters

I’ve always been a sucker for a mystery show involving a brainiac of some sort who helps an FBI agent or police detective solve crimes. NUMBERS, BONES, love them.  So it’s no surprise that I love the new TNT show, PERCEPTION.

Dr. Daniel Pierce is a neuroscientist who is a world-class expert on the brain, and he’s also an obsessive puzzle solver.  He works with a former student, FBI Agent Kate Moretti, when a witness or possible criminal appears to have some form of mental illness or brain damage.  

But the catch is that Pierce is a schizophrenic who is prone to hallucinations and who doesn’t have very good people or coping skills in the real world.  

He can’t tell the difference between an hallucination and a real person so he’s followed around by an assistant who verifies what is real and what isn’t and tries to keep him on an even emotional keel.

When a puzzle in the shape of a crime appears, he is prone to see elements of the puzzle as people hallucinations.  A man on a bike who appears where he shouldn’t is Pierce’s subconscious nudging him about a clue in some photos he saw that had a bike rider in the background.  

When he tries to solve a cypher, his hallucination is a British WWII cryptographer who helps him talk through to a solution.  

In each episode his emotional life and his past are examined by his conversations with the hallucination of a beautiful woman who may have been his lover years before.  

What does this have to do with writing?  The use of the hallucinations is brilliant writing, but it also shows what most writers do as we create the framework for our scenes and novels.  

Most characters aren’t just characters.  They are there to show readers the elements of the story.  

The best friend isn’t just there so the writer can have them talk about things to avoid way too much introspection from the main character.  The best friend is often there because she represents the emotional goal or part of the journey.  She pushes at the heroine’s resistance to change or whatever so the heroine must face her own issues, and the reader can become aware of them.

Another character may the literal embodiment of an opposing viewpoint.  He may represent people who don’t believe in the supernatural while the heroine is trying to face her own ability to see ghosts.  He is busy telling her that ghosts don’t exist and only people with mental illnesses see them so he’s stating many of her own fears about this new ability.

Still another may believe so much in the supernatural that her statements are so ridiculous and extreme that the heroine cringes that she may be as foolish. 

Like Daniel Pierce in PERCEPTION, a good writer must create the story as people who are part of a puzzle the reader must solve in order to see the final and complete picture of the story.

NOTE: If you are a TV STAR TREK fan, keep a close eye on the guest stars.  Many are former TREK actors from the various TREK franchises.  Levar Burton has a recurring role as the head of Pierce’s college department.