Bad Blurbs in the Real World, Part 7

A book description or back cover blurb is the third-best promotion you have.  (The first is name recognition, the second the cover.)  The first two may get a reader to glance at your offering, but a good or bad blurb can make or break the sale.  

I receive a number of ebook promotion emails like BookBuzz and Fussy Librarian, and some of the book blurbs have been so bad that I’ve started collecting them. 

Here are a few with the author and book title removed to protect the incompetent.  My comments in italics are beneath each one.

NOTE:  To see how to write a good blurb, please read my article on the subject or do a search of my blog with the term “blurb” for links in my “Links of Interest” articles.  To learn how to figure out your genre, clink on this.  

MYSTERY

Charlottesville, Virginia, Police Detective Luke McGinty has a closet filled with demons, along with a few skeletons; a steady job, but no steady partner or girlfriend; and is still married to his wife Sallie, even though she’s been dead for three years. Then his detective work takes a turn for the worse when a body is discovered at the downtown mall. One dead body isn’t enough, though, and another one turns up. When ties to a cold murder case in another county present themselves, Luke realizes that, if he doesn’t tread carefully, he could end up short more than just a few answers…

The first mistake is “closet filled with demons.”  These are figurative demons, not literal ones, but I thought literal until I looked at the book on Amazon.  Maybe that’s just me, but with a huge amount of paranormal mysteries and urban mysteries out there, I doubt I’d be the only one.  

The character building at the first is okay, but with so little space to explain the story, it would have been better to give more detail about the murders and the danger the detective seems to be facing. A mystery is first and foremost about the mystery.

VARIOUS BLURB COMPARISONS:

“Take The Equalizer, give him Mike Hammer’s fists, throw in some Pulp Fiction-like dialogue, add a splash of Bogie-Bacall banter, and you get Titus—a hard-knuckled action hero for a new generation.’'

“They are the 21st Century version of Nick and Nora Charles with adventures that go around the world.” 

“Thirty-something single mum Beth Haldane is forced to become Dulwich’s answer to Miss Marple when she stumbles over a murder victim on her first day at work.”

Most people under the age of seventy probably don’t have a clue about a majority of these comparisons.  This is the perfect example of why I’m not a fan of comparisons.  It’s more miss than hit with a possible audience.  

THRILLER:

A longtime friend has been arrested for driving drunk and causing a death. The friend also happens to be the District Attorney. Thaddeus agrees to meet. He learns about the DA's drinking. He learns that the DA's wife is on the prowl with strange men, and the DA is dangerously close to murder. Thaddeus sets out to defend. Two months in, he is savagely attacked. His office puts in a call to Christine Susmann. His old paralegal drops what she is doing and hurries to his side. Together again, Thaddeus and Christine mount their defense of the DA and mount their drive to bring Thaddeus back to health.

Would you read a book with such flat, blocky style?  I sure wouldn’t.  Plus, there’s no indication that the DA is being set up.  A drunk who kills someone isn’t someone I’d care about.  I’d root for the prosecution.

URBAN FANTASY/SUPERHERO

Dating in the city is hard. It’s too big. There are too many places to go. The clubs are too loud and the bars are too pretentious. It’s just so hard to make a connection, to find something real. Someone real...and it would all be so much easier if you could give it all up, but that’s the one thing you can’t do. So you have a choice, acquiesce to the enviable blind date from well-meaning friends and coworkers who just don’t get it or take matters into your own hands. Maybe if you play your card just right, you can do both.

No, I didn’t get the genre wrong.  It’s labeled urban fantasy/ superhero, but it has a romance blurb.  Talk about a disconnect.  Plus, urban fantasy and superhero stories are separate genres.  Here’s a hint.  Figure out what kind of book you are writing and who the readers are and aim the blurb at them.  Also, tell us about the book and its characters, don’t give the reader generalities.  

FANTASY

When a man seeks out an empath who he believes is hiding in a brothel in order to ease his daughter's suffering due to an alien infection, he soon discovers there's far more to the virus than he'd ever considered possible. 

Make that first sentence stop!  Please make it stop!  Bad writing in a blurb is not the way to attract readers.

SUSPENSE

Her husband stole her baby, beat her up, and tossed her out in the snow. She hunted for her daughter for years. She came to Atlanta on a vague clue and instead found the dead body of a girl. Is it her long lost daughter? Find out now.

The book’s title is SOMEBODY ELSE’S DAUGHTER.  Nothing says suspense like a question that is answered before it is asked.  (Sarcasm)  The summary’s punctuation is poor.  Also, when you have a sentence with a list of verbs, it’s best to list them in order of action.  In other words, “beat her up,” “tossed her out,” then “stole baby.”  And nothing says poor blurb writing like “Find out now.”  

URBAN FANTASY

(Blank space)

No, I didn’t forget to insert the blurb.  Sometimes, authors don’t place a blurb with the book cover in promotional material or free ebook newsletters.  A bad blurb is better than no blurb, at all.  If you want someone to, at the very least, look at your book, insert a blurb.

Bad Blurbs in the Real World, Part 6

A book description or back cover blurb is the third-best promotion you have.  (The first is name recognition, the second the cover.)  The first two may get a reader to glance at your offering, but a good or bad blurb can make or break the sale.  

I receive a number of ebook promotion emails like BookBuzz and Fussy Librarian, and some of the book blurbs have been so bad that I’ve started collecting them.  

Here are a few with the author and book title removed to protect the incompetent.  My comments in italics are beneath each one.

NOTE:  To see how to write a good blurb, please read my article on the subject or do a search of my blog with the term “blurb” for links in my “Links of Interest” articles.  To learn how to figure out your genre, clink on this.  

ACTION/ADVENTURE

It’s 1931 and men are desperate for jobs. A lucky few will get to work in the searing heat of the Nevada desert on the massive Hoover Dam, the single largest public works project in history. Their goal is to tame the mighty Colorado River with a dam that towers sixty stories high from the base of the canyon to the crest of the dam. In doing so they will create the largest man-made lake in the world. Nothing like it has ever been built.

Backstory and background do not a blurb make unless this is nonfiction.  Who are the main characters?  What are their goals? How is this an action/adventure story?

FANTASY

I've got two choices. Join the Undercover Protectorate. Or die.

This is a log line rather than a blurb, but it’s a very bad log line because it has an obvious answer with no payoff on what the book is about.  So I have two choice, read the book or not.  I would choose not since I have no clue what the book is about, and the author knows nothing about creating suspense so the book will probably be a dud.

YOUNG ADULT

Barnabas Tew is a detective in Victorian London, although he is not nearly as successful as he dreamed he'd be. In fact, there are times that he fears that he may not be very good at the detecting business, after all. Everything changes, however, during a visit to the museum, where an encounter with a none-too-friendly mummy whisks Barnabas away from everything he knows. It seems that the Egyptian afterlife is in turmoil and the fate of the entire world is at stake, and Barnabas has been sent for by Anubis, the jackal-headed god of the dead, to save the day. Barnabas is in over his head but determined to prove himself once and for all. With only his trusty assistant Wilfred at his side, will Barnabas manage to solve the case and save the Egyptian afterlife? Or will the dangerous and unpredictable Egyptian gods get the best of the intrepid duo?

Wordy with too much information about unimportant things.  And, once again, questions are asked that have obvious answers which suck whatever suspense may have been created.  The book is listed as young adult yet the character talked about is an adult with the boy barely mentioned.  

ROMANTIC SUSPENSE

The police were beside themselves this weekend. What with missing teens and a drug cartel on the loose, they had their work cut out for them. And with the phones not entirely reliable due to the weather, they weren’t able to warn anyone of the dangerous Russian thugs running along the coast. Maybe if they had, our lovely historical society president might not have been so happy to help the mysterious Russian who showed up on her dock in the middle of the storm. That would have been a pity, since it turns out they knew each other from way back when. They’ve sworn to never love again, but then again—Never Say Never.

“Beside themselves” is an old-fashioned phrase used about oneself, and, these days, it would be said by an elderly society woman who is beside herself because her rival wore the same dress to church.  No cop would ever be beside himself or herself about anything.  The sentences seem to be from two different sources so the language and even tenses vary.  Neither really fits a romantic suspense description.

HORROR

Loyalty Kane is a boy with a heavy secret to bear. His life has never been a happy one, but the bags beneath his eyes, and his stooped shoulders, are signs of a burden greater than unhappiness. The solace he finds in school will soon be gone, as summer rushes toward him. Loyal fears and loathes the hot summer months that most children love.

This description is so vague about what Loyalty faces that it could be anything from being the victim of a pedophile to a bully to a demon.  Surprise is nice in a book, but you want your description to target the right audience.  This one does not.  

ROMANCE

Harley is a rebel soul, lashing out at his family because all they care about is their social standing. They are destroying him piece by piece. He is a biker on a downward spiral with his world falling apart.

Together with his man servant, Garrett, he sets out to discover himself and look for the angel in his visions. This is his story about failure, redemption and his search for Mari.

“Together with his man servant, Garrett” totally ruins the rebel against wealth and family vibe the author is trying to present.  “They are destroying him piece by piece” also makes him a victim, not a hero.  Most of the sentences are weak writing, as well.  

GENRE?  

A good story has to bring out all our senses. A good story has the feeling of a true story is being told. A good story will cause the reader to think.

This is one of the worst blurbs I’ve ever seen.  It tells nothing about the subject, the genre, or the characters.  I doubt this writer has a clue what a blurb actually is.

FANTASY

Scorned by her family. Banished by her kind. Hunted by zealots. Where does an exiled Fairy Queen hide? A remote mountain cabin, the seedy underbelly of a metropolis, or an uninhabited island. All would be good choices, but after hundreds of years on the run, the daughter of Oberon, King of the Wild Fairies, signs a binding contract with the zealots that hunt her. In exchange, they allow her to settle down in the last place anyone would look for fairy royalty…

Blurbs are short.  Don’t waste space telling what the book isn’t because you won’t have space to tell what the book is.  The blurb gives no real clue about the type of book this is.  Will the Fairy Queen find love, solve a murder, start a revolution?  Who knows?

FANTASY

Some say this book has a harry potter feeling, but it's a completely novel story and unique magic world. The world is beautiful because it's full with magic elements of seven types, each in a designated color - just like the rainbow code! That said, those colors could only be seen by some special eyes, such as Soarame's! 

Many animals in this world possess magic power, so they were called "magimals". A well-known example is dragons, and we all know how strong they are. However, they are still not the most powerful kind of magimals, because each type of magic has a king kind - and never underestimate a magimal just because it looks cute and little!

What isn’t wrong with this blurb.  Poor grammar.  A ridiculous comparison.  (Hint: Never compare your book to the Harry Potter series because almost everyone will sneer.)  Worldbuilding description with no characters, goals, or plot tells nothing important about the book.  The language is also wrong for fiction.

PARANORMAL MYSTERY

Daniel’s temporarily stepped into the shoes of his murdered cousin, former Sheriff Mac Allen. Before it’s over, of course, he’s going to need her services—both investigative and psychic. He’s hell-bent to catch Mac’s murderer with the unwittingly amusing help of irascible Fletcher Enloe. (Author’s name) ratchets up the supernatural factor when super-psychic MaMa Allen tells Promise a spirit haunting Fire Mountain is leaving the mountain to prowl among the living.

Whose service is Daniel going to need?  From details I picked up on the book series’ Amazon page, it is Promise who is listed at the bottom of the blurb.  Who exactly is Daniel?  Don’t assume that the reader knows as much about your book or series as you do.  

Bad Blurbs in the Real World, Part 5

A book description or back cover blurb is the third-best promotion you have.  (The first is name recognition, the second the cover.)  The first two may get a reader to glance at your offering, but a good or bad blurb can make or break the sale.  

I receive a number of ebook promotion emails like BookBuzz and Fussy Librarian, and some of the book blurbs have been so bad that I’ve started collecting them.  

Here are a few with the author and book title removed to protect the incompetent.  My comments in italics are beneath each one.

NOTE:  To see how to write a good blurb, please read my article on the subject or do a search of my blog with the term “blurb” for links in my “Links of Interest” articles.  To learn how to figure out your genre, clink on this.  

FANTASY

In 2013, a gate to another world opened, and Elves used their magic to conquer Earth, crushing all resistance before them.

Three hundred years after the Conquest, the exiled Elven High Queen rules an orderly but stagnant Earth, with humanity forced to fight in the High Queen’s war against the traitors on the Elven homeworld.

This is worldbuilding information, not a blurb.  Worldbuilding is static, a blurb should be about action.  It should tell the reader the goal of the book and whose goal it is.

HORROR

It was supposed to be a vacation, but instead reporter Rebekka Franck confronts her most baffling case yet. When a priest’s exorcism goes awry, Rebekka must pick up the pieces and discover the mystery behind an evil force. Rebekka and Sune are on a vacation in Northern Zeeland when they suddenly find themselves involved in what turns out to be their most horrifying case to this date…

A blurb should be lean.  This one is full of redundancy.  Plus, big hint: ellipsis periods don’t heighten the tension.  

PARANORMAL MYSTERY

An antique dealer is killed for an artifact which has the potential to rewrite human history. With Griffin and Erik, Cassie is sent to hunt for clues. 

This blurb lacks dynamic action with its bland verbs and passive verb structure for the main characters.

ROMANTIC SUSPENSE

The well-meaning and meddlesome Mr. and Mrs. Aden want nothing more than to protect their only daughter, Hannah. After her childhood kidnapping in Somalia and a final showdown in Italy against the monster responsible, nineteen-year-old Hannah just wants back the life stolen from her. She isn’t naïve like her mother believes. Frequent flashes of past terrors assure her that the healing process is far from over. At the same time, she’d hardly use her dad’s words and call herself ''strong'' or ''brave.'' That description belongs to Melissa Bennett, the woman who almost died saving her.

Back story.  Nothing but back story which doesn’t sell the book.  It’s impossible to tell who the main character is in the book, either.   

SCIENCE FICTION

A massive solar storm erases the world's technological infrastructure and kills billions. While the remaining humans are struggling to adapt and survive, they notice that some among them have...changed. 

This could describe dozens of standard dystopian novels.  Go for the particular about the book, not the generic. Ellipsis periods don’t add tension here, either.  

SUSPENSE

Years ago Seychelle Sullivan had the chance to save a person’s life. But on that summer night in Florida, lost in a world of teenage resentment and loneliness, Seychelle was not able to feel any pain but her own. Today Seychelle captains her father’s forty-six-foot salvage boat out of Fort Lauderdale’s New River. But she’s never escaped that one moment when she could have made a difference and didn’t.

And the suspense is?  This might as well be a mainstream novel, or any other type of novel.  No sense of conflict, plot, or danger.  It’s emotional backstory.

PARANORMAL

To secure her father's salvation, Gitta must travel to the depths of hell, accompanied only by a sexy, irritable vampire...named Scott.

The end of the blurb should be the most interesting part showing the big conflict.  Having a vampire named “Scott” isn’t even remotely a big conflict.

STEAMPUNK FANTASY

In a steampunk London that almost existed, where tinkerers and clockwork devices exist alongside handsome cabs and corsets, murder is still solved by traditional observation and intuition.

Historical fantasy is based on history, and a glaring error in your book blurb is a no-sale for many of us.  (It’s “Hansom cab,” not “handsome cab.”)

STEAMPUNK FANTASY

Final Fantasy meets Agatha Christie in this fresh steampunk fantasy.

These are two genres I never thought to see together, because, well, they don’t belong together.  It’s obvious this writer has never read any Agatha Christie which is a staid cozy or straight mystery that is the exact opposite of Final Fantasy, a roleplaying game that is mainly action/adventure.  Before you make comparisons, make sure you know the two things you are comparing.  

MYSTERY

Little did businessman and entrepreneur Michael Rossi know that the telephone call he answered on that fateful Friday would be the catalyst for his death, and the subsequent recovery of his body from the waters of Sydney Harbour the following morning. Unaware of her nephew’s fate, Esme Timmons retires for the evening, unsuspecting of the events about to unfold; events that will, ultimately, expose a grim lie, buried deep in the past.

Two passive events where a character can do nothing do not make a book blurb.  The mystery solver, not the victims, should be the focus of a blurb. If Esme is the main character, she’s presented passively.

Bad Blurbs in the Real World, Part 4

A book description or back cover blurb is the third-best promotion you have.  (The first is name recognition, the second the cover.)  The first two may get a reader to glance at your offering, but a good or bad blurb can make or break the sale.  

I receive a number of ebook promotion emails like BookBuzz and Fussy Librarian, and some of the book blurbs have been so bad that I’ve started collecting them.  

Here are a few with the author and book title removed to protect the incompetent.  My comments in italics are beneath each one.

NOTE:  To see how to write a good blurb, please read my article on the subject or do a search of my blog with the term “blurb” for links in my “Links of Interest” articles.  To learn how to figure out your genre, clink on this.  

DYSTOPIAN SCIENCE FICTION

100 years after America split apart, is one lone outcast the world's last chance at peace?

This would be much stronger as a declarative statement.  Not only to show action, but the answer is an obvious yes.

MYSTERY

In a noir mystery reminiscent of Mary Higgins Clark, former crime reporter, Renée pieces together clues to the identity of a serial killer from her bed in the maternity ward of Cherry Vale Hospital. Set in California, the twist at the end delivers a Roald Dahl-like sting. 

Book comparisons depend on the reader knowing the book being compared, but they work sometimes.  On the other hand, comparing books that don’t even fit don’t.  Mary Higgins Clark’s works aren’t noir, they are suspense, and Ronald Dahl wrote children’s books.  So, no.  Just no.

YA ADULT FANTASY

Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Glee! in this darkly comic story. Perfect for fans of Point Horror and R. L. Stine, as well as readers who like their horror and romance with a light-hearted touch.

Huh?  More vague comparisons without telling the reader what the book is about.  

COZY MYSTERY

Never push a woman to her limit when all she knows is pain. A powerful story of a young woman named Eva left on the doorstep of a neighbor as a child by her very own mother. She is abused, neglected, rejected and without a legal footing in the only place she knows as ''home.'' All the odds appear to be stacked against her and those looking from the outside in seriously wonder how one human being could be expected to battle such atrocities without making a fateful decision to end it all far quicker than it ever began.

This novel has a thriller cover and a thriller plot description, yet it is sold as a cozy mystery which is as opposite as two types of mysteries can be.  

Plus, no clue is given to the nature of those “atrocities.”

The writing is awkward and wordy as well.  

MYSTERY

Historian Wrenn Grayson arrives at the Rosemont mansion expecting to receive payment for her services from the mansion’s new owner, Clay Addison. That expectation dies when she and Clay find Trey Rosemont murdered on the foyer floor. Across town, police officers race to Eastwood University. Priceless Egyptian artifacts were stolen from the history department safe. Wrenn’s longtime love, Eastwood professor Gideon Douglas, heads the department. Only recovery of the artifacts will save his career. Life in Havens, Ohio, doesn’t stop for this crime spree. Wrenn works for Mayor Tallmadge. He wishes Wrenn would stop searching down clues ahead of the police and pacify temperamental playwright Barton Reed. Barton’s play is just days away from opening in historic Baxter Theater. Amid murder, theft, or curtain calls, Wrenn’s instincts prove sharp. Her stubbornness places her in the killer’s path.

What a mess of a plot summary that leaves us wondering what the plot is truly about since there are enough plots for a series of novels and if the author even understands that plot isn’t a bunch of random stuff happening.  

SUPERNATURAL SUSPENSE:

Twenty-year-old Ward de'Ath expected this to be a simple job-bring a nobleman's daughter back from the dead for fifteen minutes, let her family say good-bye, and launch his fledgling career as a necromancer. Goddess knows he can't be a surgeon-the Quayestri already branded him a criminal for trying-so bringing people back from the dead it is.

The last sentence should be about the problem that sets up the novel, not backstory about what the character isn’t.  Nothing here says anything that would show that this is supernatural suspense.  

SCIENCE FICTION:

How do you defeat an enemy you cannot see? The Krim Sprinter is on a routine flight from Earth to the Proxima Outpost. When an unknown, and unseen, enemy space ship attacks them, their routine mission turns deadly series. Captain Mitch Cooper must trade in favors and use all the influence he can exert to stay ahead of the unseen enemy.

This is an example, boys and girls, of why we don’t depend only on a spellchecker for our books.  Also, the first sentences are about space battles, but the last are about politics.  A serious disconnect.  

Bad Blurbs in the Real World, Part 3

A book description or back cover blurb is the third-best promotion you have.  (The first is name recognition, the second the cover.)  The first two may get a reader to glance at your offering, but a good or bad blurb can make or break the sale.  

I receive a number of ebook promotion emails like BookBuzz and Fussy Librarian, and some of the book blurbs have been so bad that I’ve started collecting them.  

Here are a few with the author and book title removed to protect the incompetent.  My comments in italics are beneath each one.

NOTE:  To see how to write a good blurb, please read my article on the subject or do a search of my blog with the term “blurb” for links in my “Links of Interest” articles.  To learn how to figure out your genre, clink on this.  

SCIENCE FICTION

When war comes after a century of peace, it is sudden and brutal. Taken by surprise, Earth's far-flung colonies are in danger. The only son of an admiral, Second Lieutenant Michael Sheridan finds himself thrust into a desperate conflict that he and the untried soldiers under his command are ready for. Focusing on the people struggling to survive the onslaught, First Strike is a novel that propels the reader to the furthest limits of space. Fighting a ruthless and determined enemy, Sheridan soon learns the brutal lessons of war and that his enemy may not be what it appears to be.

A perfect example of why you shouldn’t start every sentence with clauses, etc.  The description of the book is hard to get through with each introductory phrase or clause acting as a speed bump.

MYSTERY

Will Anderson and Elizabeth Hume are called to the vast Eloise Insane Asylum outside of Detroit, where Elizabeth's cousin Robbie is a patient and now a murder suspect. The victim, like three others before him at the asylum in recent months, was killed with the infamous Punjab lasso, the murder weapon of the Phantom of the Opera. Certain of Robbie's innocence, they begin an investigation with the help of Detective Riordan. Will has himself committed to the asylum to investigate from the inside, and Elizabeth volunteers at Eloise and questions people outside the asylum. While Will endures horrific conditions in his search for the killer, Elizabeth and Riordan follow the trail of a murder suspect all the way to Kalamazoo, where they realize the killer might still be at Eloise, putting Will in extreme danger. They race back to Detroit, but will they arrive in time to save Will?

This blurb tells the whole dang plot!  We know the answer to the last sentence is “yes” so why bother reading.

COZY MYSTERY

After solving the biggest case of her career, PI Barb Jackson’s business is finally taking off. Cases are rolling in, she and her staff are getting paid, and she’s the apple of her hunky detective boyfriend Tyler Black’s eye. Life couldn’t get much better.

There should be a “but” paragraph here to set up the conflict of this novel.  Otherwise, it’s all a big snoozefest of happy.

WOMEN’S FICTION

CHAMPIONS ARE MADE BY THE ADVERSITIES THEY OVERCOME.

Well, this is incredibly vague and sounds nothing like women’s fiction.

ACTION THRILLER

Team Camelot has recovered from the devastation of their last mission, and it's time to go back to work. This time, they find themselves working right here in the good ol' US of A, taking out the top echelons of an entire drug cartel, and Noah gets the chance to use some of Wally's supergadgets. The mission comes off better than anyone could have hoped, and the team heads for home.

Okay, I know what happens in the book so I have no reason to read it.

SUPERNATURAL THRILLER

Could you survive a week in a haunted house?

No.  I wouldn’t go in it in the first place.  And why should I be interested in this book?

YOUNG ADULT CONTEMPORARY FANTASY

Bianca Tailer had always dreamed of making it big. She’d been putting on concerts for friends and family for as long as she could remember.

Oooh, how not exciting.  Why would I read this?  

What’s the threat and/or the goal?

URBAN FANTASY

Vampires? Fae warriors? Who knew they were real. Somebody must have and they should have let the rest of us know. 

Again, what’s the threat?  Who is the main character, and why should we care?